UNDOCUMENTED HEARTBREAK

rompiendo-cadenas

∞Leslie Arellano 

Undocumented Heartbreak
Someone else held my happiness in their hands. Could you even imagine? I’ve never felt as vulnerable as I did when I was younger. La migra me quito todo. I was just a child, a little girl who felt so loved, and then one day that feeling was gone. Not only did I lose love, and happiness, this was the beginning of the road to losing myself. My life completely changed, the prison letters date back to 2006. The only person I loved more than life itself turned into words on a double sided yellow notepad paper, he turned into a Federal inmate, he turned into weekend visits, barely. Today, I am nineteen years old, and he has simply turned into memories. La migra me quito todo. Con la migra empezó la desgracia que fue de mi vida.

A job is supposed to be something you love to do everyday, it’s something you should look forward to. I have spent my childhood years wondering how could someone look forward to tearing families apart. I’ve extensively examined that border wall. The same wall you’ve tried to get over more than a thousand times. The same wall that not only separated us, but separates millions of people from their loved ones. El maldito muro que nos detiene a todos, many fail to prosper on that opposite side. It hurts me to see that my people don’t even advance one step at time, they always end up with way less. Borders only exist because people create them.

I always knew that life, and the world, not to mention people, all had ugly sides. To this day I am not wrong when I think about the cruel reality I live in. I always tell myself that I could have it way worse, but I don’t wish my pain and secrets upon anyone else. So yes, my sleepness nights, the tears shed, and every heartbreak since I was a child, I blamed on border patrol. I still can’t help but feel some sort of resentment toward all of them. It’s resentment to what I went through, and what any other child or family might be going through. To these authorities I wasn’t important. I was just another little Mexican girl who didn’t need another bad influence as a father, after all I would still have a mother. Right? Wouldn’t hurt to mention that before they took him from me, they tried to take my “undocumented” mother too.

I overcame a loss which was started by strangers, who managed to in many ways break me. Life has gone on without you, something I never thought possible. It took what felt forever, but I’m fine. Wow, I am fine. I have never said that and had myself almost actually mean it. La migra me lo quito. El tiempo y la distancia lo cambio. Lo que un dia fue, dejó de ser y de existir. Border Patrol helped me grow without love, protection, attention, advice, and so much more. Mi padre, today a complete stranger to his once “family” and himself. Con la migra empezó mi desgracia. So what did I do to deserve this? What did my family do? Look at me, I am the answer. I was born with brown skin, brown eyes, and curly hair in a white country, harsh que no. Most of my family is “undocumented,” that is why I went though this. That is why we all go through this, we have been labeled for life. That was and is my reality, and it happens to those who look like me. There is no doubt in my mind that I would change things that have happened to me if I could. However change my skin, my culture, my blood, my roots, never.